Life hurts. No matter how many inspirational and uplifting stories you read and surround yourself with, there will always be unavoidable pain.

I have always tried to look at the bright side. When God closed one door, He always opened a window to a better place. I’ve always trusted that there is a reason for everything. Right now though, I’m struggling.

I’m struggling to deal with normal “life things.” My grandmother has recently taken a turn for the worse and I don’t know how to deal. My “Gaga” who was mowing her own lawn in Vermont 5 years ago, is now bedridden in a Florida nursing home. I hate that my strong-willed, amazing Gaga is a shell of her former self thanks to Alzheimer’s Disease.

I know this is part of life. I’m 33- years-old and have 2 small children. It’s the circle of life. I also know I’m extremely fortunate to have had so many years with all of my grandparents for this long. All 4 of my grandparents have lived to see their great-grandchildren, but selfishly I want more. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to any of them. I don’t know life without them and I don’t want to know it.

One of my favorite bloggers, Glennon of Momastery, calls life brutiful. Such a perfect word. Life right now is painfully brutiful. I’m blessed with a happy, healthy family and a life that I thank God for every day but I’m still hurting.  I hate having to see my mom so sad about her mother and not be able to help.

There’s only so much I can say or do from a distance but I wish I was able to go sit for hours every day with my Gaga during the sunset of her life. I want to hold her hand and tell her all of my memories of our time together. How I loved spending summers with her in Vermont and treasured our hours spent shopping garage sales. How I’m grateful that I’ve inherited her green thumb (for the most part) and I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to spend 33 years as her first grandchild and so glad she was able to meet her first 2 great-grandchildren (even though she said that made her sound old).

Life is brutiful, no doubt about it.

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!